word for word

so here's the deal

2010-09-30T22:16:00.001-04:00

i wanna learn.

about

me.

away

2010-02-26T22:09:00.002-05:00

i want to go away with you

i want to feel
your arms wrapped around me
your lips placed gently on mine
your hands softly embracing
every
inch
of
my
body

i want to go away with you

i want to get lost
in thoughts of you
in what the future holds
in all that this moment is
in every
inch
of
your
body

i want to go away with you

i want to forget
lost time
and get lost in time

with
you

i want to go away with you
if only i could find you

crazy going slowly am i... 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

2009-09-12T23:53:00.002-04:00

not writing has stifled me...

creatively, conceptually and in the every day

putting pen to paper is an outlet i need to take more advantage of whether the words fit and the pieces of the puzzle come together or not... what's important is getting it out...

one
word
after
the
other

let new words slip off tongues overwhelmed with possibility

let the writer write and see what happens...

stay tuned.

she's baaaack...

2009-04-15T23:51:00.002-04:00

currently listening to - sara bareilles - city

quite fitting, the music playing in the background

i'm back...

in the city i love,
on this blog,
in my determination
passion
goals

this all may sound cheesy but i've been giving a lackluster performance up until now and this latest trip to nyc is proving to be a bit eye-opening

i have a lot to do and i'm not getting it done by staring at blank screens, watching television, filling my evenings with nothingness... the way to achieve what it is i want to achieve is by being active and engaging
not stagnant

don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm doing nothing, it's that i'm just getting by... going through the motions... nothing EXTRAordinary - which i know i'm capable of (i'm also very modest)

so here goes - new york, freshen me up and make me new again...

so far i've enjoyed people watching near central park, dinner with old nyu friends, an interesting broadway show that was NOT a musical and now... a fluffy white bed, pad and paper, tunes and 9 pillows... yes, 9.

here's to the next 4 days... lets see what it brings

film appreciation

2008-10-18T22:19:00.002-04:00

do people who live in new york enjoy/appreciate films that take place in new york?

i saw this in the movie store tonight and wanted to rent it... there weren't any left... it's now on my list

525,600 minutes...

2008-09-02T23:21:00.002-04:00

with less than 7,000 minutes left (no, i'm not THAT much of a fanatic, they have the countdown on their website) until RENT closes on broadway after a 12 year run, i get a little overwhelmed every time i think of that final curtain call

although i'm a little sad that i won't get to see the final performance at the nederlander theatre, this play and all that comes along with it, will forever be a part of me (cheesy but true) when something resonates with you as strongly as this play does for me, you can't help but watch it over and over... if you haven't yet, do yourself a favor and pick up the movie - although i'll admit it's not the greatest way to watch the stories of angel, collins, roger, mimi, joanne, maureen and mark unfold, it's better than never having seen it at all.

there was a pretty good article in the globe and mail yesterday about the closing and about the show and jonathan larson (a story of it's own) - check it out if you have any interest (i know there must be a few of you out there who like to sing along to seasons of love)

i know for most of you, you won't understand the attachment i have to this play and it's beyond you to think - how the heck could someone see the same damn play 7 times over?... simple, the message that it brings with it and the energy it invokes, is mesmerizing - not to mention i have a personal attachment to the storyline and the themes that go along with it

that being said, we can all relate to the story line - those who have been touched by AIDS and those who have not... the message remains simple...

no day but today

the king... er... queen?

2008-08-29T00:16:00.002-04:00

the crowd roared, the lights dimmed and there she stood

i must admit i might have been a little skeptical about going to the celine dion concert but i grew up listening to the woman and she's one of my mom's favourites so alas, i made my way down to the ACC with hundreds of other mother daughter teams

she was phenomenal. i can't lie.

she put on a great show and man can she sing

i've been to quite a few concerts in my life and love live music and never have i seen standing ovations like i did tonight and people just in awe of her coming out on stage without having said a word - up on their feet

somehow, seeing celine dion perform makes me think about what it would have been like to have seen elvis - personally, i think she might have given him a run for his money

b-to the-l-o-g

2008-08-27T00:09:00.005-04:00

i've recently been inspired

two of my fellow nyu publishing peeps blog almost every single day whether it's short, long, sentimental, funny or just plain babbling (i love it just the same) and it's always interesting (to me at least) - to get a window into what it is they're up to or how it is they're feeling

so today i turn over a new blogging leaf. since media/publishing and writing and editing are all things i want to be a part of, i figure i should be doing some of it on a fairly regular basis. i'm not making any promises that i will blog every.single.day BUT i will do my best to write something - if even for a few short sentences - as often as i can. some of it will still be creative stuff and some of it might just be randomness but hopefully some of it will be thought provoking enough that you'll comment (i'm not even sure who "you" are but i'm hoping you're out there)

here goes nothing...

newspapers are not dying

This article bothers me.

It's an opinion piece and everyone is entitled to their opinion but what Mr. Shafer is saying seems to be a pretty flaky argument to me.

Essentially he says that social networking sites (i.e. Facebook), instant messaging, microblogging and e-mail are killing the social currency newspapers once held.

Shafer writes, "For as long as anybody can remember, the newspaper has been the primary info-hub through which people interacted... nothing could beat the newspaper as a source for socially lubricating conversation." Now, Shafer says, "You no longer need to rely on a paper for the social currency that a weather report, movie listings, classified ads, shopping bargains, sports info, stock listings, television listings, gossip, or entertainment news provide." I agree with this statement, people today tend to rely on a number of ways to get the information they need (all of which can probably be found on the Internet) however, that has not replaced what a NEWSpaper does - report on weather, movies, sports and entertainment. True, the Internet does play an important role in many of our social realms - especially within our generation but things like e-mail and Facebook haven't killed the newspaper or taken over the social currency of the newspaper.

The newspaper is alive and well - circulation might be down, yes, but if it weren't for those physical newspapers being printed, the number of newspapers with content online would not exist. Just to be clear, it's my belief that the online newspaper is an extension of an actual paper which can enhance the reading experience for the audience through interactive technology. Those working for a newspaper and those for the online version essentially work as a team to bring people the news and whether it's in paper or electronic form, people are reading the newspaper. According to this article from March 2008, readership of online editions of daily newspapers has grown by 11% since 2006, with 17% of adults reading a daily newspaper on the internet (Canadian stats). In the US, the average monthly unique audience figures for newspaper Web sites grew by more than 3.6 million in 2007.

Shafer writes, "Other institutions do far better jobs at issuing social currency these days." That depends on your definition of social currency. If your circle of friends and co-workers are talking about what happened on the latest episode of The Hills, then yes, Facebook does a better job at issuing social currency. However, if your friends/coworkers are looking for a little more in-depth conversation (I like The Hills but we can't always be worried about LC and Lo), chances are they're going to reference what they saw on the cover of the Globe and Mail or the Star before they'll reference a Facebook posting and in my books, that's worth much more social currency than trying to play a game of who's friends with whom in the Facebook world.

The article asks, "If one of the great attractions of the newspaper was that it brought people together to rub noses, how can it compete for readers' time with sites like Facebook, which can also give you a real-world news dump if that's what you crave?" How often do you and your friends link to real news items on your Facebook account? Do you do it on a daily basis? Probably not and if that's the case, THAT'S how newspapers can compete - by offering you DAILY news (and I'm not talking about 'newsfeeds').

Granted, in conversation, you're more likely to hear Joe Blow make a comment about a social event he saw his friend post on Facebook than a social event he read about in the pages of the Toronto Star but when it comes to long form journalism and what is going on in the world, people are far more likely to get their news from an online newspaper or the actual paper than they are by twittering or surfing Joe's wall and I don't know about you, but it's that type of social currency, provided by a news agency, that I want to be exchanging.

read.a.paper.

discovering...

2008-07-16T01:25:00.002-04:00

... dreams and reaching goals can be a little overwhelming as i've found out in the past few weeks living and breathing life in new york city

tonight saw me...

1) see rent for the 7th time
2) hang out with some great friends i've made since being at nyu
3) "party" alongside the cast of rent at an after-party hosted by marcus paul james (look him up, you'll be glad you did)
4) indulge in good music
5) just be

simply put, as confusing as life is right now, it's good to be me

at 25

2008-07-02T23:31:00.006-04:00

feeling

overwhelmedlividstuckelateddisjo
intedhotheadedlovedbewilderedjo
ltedclaustrophobicterritorialhated
elusiveslightedcreativetonguetiedr
eminiscentlonelybefuddledlubricio
usgenericnostaligicconfusedtopsyt
urvybrilliantexcitedperplexedsad

but
i
just
can't
reach
far
enough

because words escape me... somehow

speak the words

2008-05-16T23:05:00.003-04:00

... i miss you is not a prologue to goodbye

is this spot taken...

2008-04-16T23:25:00.003-04:00

this place in between arms
open wide

this space warm and inviting
"lets just lie here...
one...
more...
minute"

an embrace so lingering you feel it hours after it occurred
enveloping everything you ever believed in
could
be
and
is

this moment
this spot
next to you
is it taken?

perspective

2008-04-10T07:40:00.002-04:00

it never ceases to amaze me how vast, yet very small the world actually is

traveling on my own for the first time has made me realize so much in such a little amount of time

i'm gaining new perspectives and seeing things i had no idea existed... it's so true what they say, everyone has their story

stay tuned... more to come from australia soon

replay

2008-02-17T00:00:00.003-05:00

for those who haven't read my msn space blog entries from awhile back, i thought i'd throw in this way-back-playback so to speak

been thinking about this a lot lately

one of the most significant and influential days of my life... going to see maya angelou speak at roy thompson hall may, 2006... the moment still stays with me... for those who have already seen this, my apologies for an old post but i felt it needed repeating

***
originally posted may 27, 2006

This little light of mine

"This little light of mine..."

she walked into the room with a presence I have never before seen or felt

a cane of black and gold held onto by hands of wisdom, the epitome of strength

Maya Angelou, Dr. Maya Angelou, playwright, poet, actress Maya Angelou

she spoke with a clarity unheard of at 78

she spoke with peaceful conviction

she spoke to me

"This little light of mine..."

each word hung in the air and with substantial contemplation, the listener plucked the words from the air and placed them in memory for safe keeping

walking into the room, the audience stood and clapped as a person, 'she,' entered the room - at this point it didn't matter what gender, race or religion she was - what mattered was that she was there

a person so many admired

she entered with the kindest of intentions, to share the story of her unique life and to tell us how we, each one of us, led unique lives

"This little light of mine," she sang. "I'm gonna let it shine."

and the poetry flowed shortly thereafter as I reflected on myself and how I fit into this picture

how did I end up here?

she reminisced about growing up having spent years in silence thinking her words could kill after finding out the man who had raped her had died after being kicked to death after a one night stay in jail

irony that she now stands before us - talking, teaching, telling

how did this girl - this girl who had given up speaking, who was uneducated and who was living in a small town in Alabama - how did she end up here , in front of all of us?

"This little light of mine..."

she credits her uncle Willy, a man who sadly passed, but, as she explains, whose light shone on her and still shines on her

"you never know who's watching," she said

"you never know who your light is shining on"

she says she can still hear her brothers voice in hers - those words hit hard for me - from the light that illuminates from her brother also now passed, she hears his voice in hers

it was these words that hit home

an 'aha' moment

people I've missed and struggled with losing are still here - I just needed to recognize where it was they were

he is in my voice

she is in my voice

they are in my voice - their light has shone and will forever shine

"This little light of mine..."

she spoke words of peace

she spoke with humour

she spoke words of illumination

her light shone on me

I can do anything - this was what she was trying to tell us all

and we can be the strength for others - this is what she was telling us - what she was telling me

"This little light of mine..."

I walked out of that theatre, smiling, head held high

as I walked the long walk home instead of taking transit, I thought and I thought

I thought about what lies ahead and what lay behind

I thought about where I've been and how far I had come

my background is not one of extreme hardship but it isn't one of complete ease either

once a girl who lived at the end of a dead end street in small town nowhere - I can count the number of people I grew up with who went on to higher education on both my hands -

I now find myself amongst the skyscrapers of the city with infinite possibilities

"This little light of mine..."

silence

it's sometimes the best feeling in the world

I'm going to do big things I thought to myself

with the light that's been shone on me and that continues to shine on me, I'm going to do big things

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine

let it shine

Simply put... this is me.

music... makes the people...

2008-02-15T00:06:00.004-05:00

music is amazing

think about it...

it can make you feel so alive... at times it can make you sad, exuberant, mellow... the list of adjectives goes on and on

i walked home tonight and turned my ipod up and walked the streets as if i owned them

best.feeling.ever.

p.s. listen to sara bareilles... she'll make you want to sing out loud

when you know the notes to sing...

2008-02-13T16:25:00.003-05:00

there is no i in us
only in mi

do-re-mi-fa
SO?

so this time it's all about me

well

la-ti... da

past progressive

2008-02-11T22:59:00.001-05:00

currently listening to...

charles mingus - "peggy's blue skylight"

----

past progressive - a grammatical term used for describing events that were in the process of occurring when a new event happened...

simply put... joe was playing catch with bob while mary went running

however...
things are never simple...

***

some things in life wouldn't be worth it if it weren't a little difficult
slightly out of reach and too slippery to grasp

some things are a little rough around the edges

in life
in love
in living

in hopes
in dreams
in wishes

you can't stop these things though
these hopes, dreams, and wishes
life, love and living
there's no pause
no slow motion

things occur while other things happen
past progressive

you are my past progressive

and now my world is upside down

i was in the process of occuring when life happened

question is...

what happens next while this is occuring?

live 'n learn

2008-01-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

how things change

hearts break
time stands still
pick up the pieces and hope they fit back together someday

a new year
a new take
a new light

learning each day what holds me together
and what can break me apart

what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger
so i take things as they come and deal with them
knowing that above all i will grow

time will reveal
but for right now
i am
happy

11.11

2007-11-11T22:30:00.000-05:00

solemn days of remembrance

each year in elementary school, with pride and determination, i would submit either a piece of writing or artwork for the remembrance day competition at our local legion

one year in particular – grade five i believe, i drew a dove sitting on a peace sign with an olive branch in his mouth

hours of thought went into how i was going to portray peace on that blank piece of paper and late nights of erasing and starting over – everything had to be just… so.

“honourable mention” the ribbon read if i remember correctly

although I was proud of the honourable mention the only “mention” that truly mattered to me was his

the frame he put it in

the pride on his face

he never really liked to talk about it. WAR. ‘twas nothing more to say really.

but although he didn’t like to speak of the memories, i knew it was still important to him for us to know

i knew in the way he held my hand while we walked from the parking lot to the starting mark for the parade. i knew in the way he stood at attention as the last post played. i knew in the way he held his chest out – poppy prominently on display and medals gleaming.

those same medals that have been passed down to me and that i cherish today.

you and i wear a poppy in remembrance.

we wear it in remembrance of fallen soldiers and for all soldiers who put themselves in harms way for our country and ourselves.

i wear it for these reasons and so many more. i wear it to remember those walks, those hands held, those moments of pride and remembrance i could see in his eyes.

i wear it to honour him.

i wear it to remember…

him

ə-ˈdik-shən

2007-10-29T23:55:00.000-04:00

main entry: ad·dic·tion
pronunciation: \ə-ˈdik-shən, a-\
function: noun
date: 1599

1: the quality or state of being addicted
2: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

source: merriam-webster online

-----

we've all gott'em whether we like it or not
feed it
love it
hate it

you.are.addicted.

addicted to the numbness you feel when you stop
aching
pushing to the edge those feelings you don't want to surface
but can't help nourishing

just.once.more.

and once more becomes again... and again... and again
and still, the question remains, why?

sucker.for.punishment.

maybe
or maybe a lesson learned
taught over and over

one of these times it'll stick
like glue... a type of a.a. for the soul

"hello my name is...

and i'm addicted
to
you"

rewind and slow motion

2007-10-04T23:38:00.000-04:00

currently listening to...

tony williams - "dreaming of your love"

----

it hit me...
like a ton of bricks
such a cliche, but true
i just want...
one moment
one second
to rewind and slow motion

legoland

2007-09-09T23:49:00.000-04:00

remember lego?

imagine we lived in a world of lego and moving meant only having to build with the blue blocks instead of the red ones – this was a random thought i had recently

with lego, the possibilities were endless… you could build a rectangular, one story cottage with the small red rimmed windows… or instead, a square, two floor house with garage attached… all it took for a change of scenery was replacing a few plastic trees with some of those cool looking lego flowers

if only life were that simple

it’s strange for me to think we are so easily uproot-able… throughout my university career, i moved every single year until i came to ryerson, where i spent two lovely years at my address – the longest i had ever stayed in one place during my education

it was an emotional good-bye and rightfully so… a lot went down over those two years, both good and bad

but i decided change was needed

this september, i took the leap and made a move… a move that was done completely on my own – no boy to sway my decision or weigh in on my choice, no roommate apparently to keep me from choosing the place i like… just me.

plain and simple

this was huge. coming to toronto in the first place was a big step for me but i had some help… this move however, was significant in that i did it independently… i had to.

fresh start, putting the pieces back together, slowly…

i’m building my blue three car garage out of the tiny blocks… i’ll get there eventually… but don’t be surprised if i make some changes along the way ;)

a gift

2007-08-03T23:50:00.000-04:00

on the eve of my 25th, i post this piece i wrote to be read at my grandmother's funeral last year...

it hit me moments ago that this would be my first birthday without her...

i reflect on the good times though, birthdays past, and know she's close...

A grandmother is a gift, a gift you’re never sure of how long you will have. She’s the one who would go to great lengths to make you that heavenly hash salad you always loved or the one who would beat grandpa to the raspberry bush in order to save you a berry or two.

She’s the one who would strain your lemonade because you didn’t like the little feathers floating in the pink puddle of sweet and sour. Grandmothers are the ones who would pick you up from school when you were sick and had to leave early. She’s the one who squashed the potato bugs and picked the weeds, went on the fishing trips and took you on adventures up north with the ritual stop at the French River to eat your packed lunch.

She’s the one who brought the cheese puffs to the baseball games. She’s the one who indulged your love of reading by buying you a new book each time you went grocery shopping. She’s the one you traveled to Oakville with – three generations reminiscing about where she spent a large chunk of her life.

Although our memories of the gifts this grandmother has brought to each of us might differ, it is important that we all take time to remember these little things. Remember the smell of lilacs she loved, the grin she had when she “skunked” the men in a game of euchre, the walks to “the pit.”

Remember the laughter, the hugs and most of all the love. Remember the little things, for those gifts are the ones that will last forever.

living and breathing

2007-07-24T23:13:00.000-04:00

so i said i was going to use this forum for, among other things, my journalistic work and i haven't really been doing that... i haven't really been posting much at all lately so in order to make up for it, here's a lengthy piece

this was a magazine feature i wrote for one of my journalism classes a year and a half ago now

i never really shared it with many people and as much as i wanted to try and actually get it published, i got a tad lazy

i feel this is an important story to tell so i thought i would post it here... i've changed the name of the main 'character' due to the personal nature of the article

read it, love it, hate it - it's up to you... hopefully, if anything, you can gain a bit of perspective on life

The clock on the wall read 10:12 a.m. It was May 14, 1991, two days before her 39th birthday and Alice Smith* had just been told she was going to die. “I guess sub-consciously I felt the need to know what time it was when I was told I was going to die. It was really weird. The doctor said I had tested positive for HIV anti-bodies. We used to call it the AIDS test. And I reacted like, ‘What does that mean?’ I was in shock. He said, you have HIV and that’s how you get AIDS and I should go take care of my affairs,” Smith recalls.

Smith was sitting in a sterile room of an STD clinic in Rochester, New York, that day. The doctor sat across the room at an oversized wooden desk and told her the results in a matter-of-fact tone as a nurse handed her a stack of material on HIV and AIDS. The startling news came eight months after she had been raped by two strangers just blocks from her apartment in Ottawa, in her own car. The thought of AIDS never entered her mind after her terrifying experience but after the nurse examined her, she was told she should be tested. After testing negative twice, she moved to New York to get support from friends after the rape. She tested one more time with her friend Lisa who needed support herself. Ironically, her friend’s test came back negative and it was Smith who now sat across the room from the doctor, with shock and awe written across her face.

Smith went home, unplugged her phone, locked her door and closed her drapes. “I was getting ready to die. I didn’t talk to anybody and I didn’t go outside.” She cut herself off from the world for six weeks and even considered suicide. Finally, Lisa showed up at her door and wouldn’t leave until she answered. After a long drive, Smith confided in her friend. She told Smith she would be with her every step of the way. In disbelief, Smith was tested seven more times, each one saying the same thing. At a point when Smith could only recall a few gay men she knew having AIDS, she looked for someone she could relate to. She found one other positive woman through her AIDS counsellor in Rochester and the two met on a regular basis. The number of women meeting multiplied and eventually the group got so big the meetings ran twice a week instead of once so each woman had a chance to speak. Smith, who grew up in Toronto, moved back to be close to her children, then 20 and 21, and her grandchildren, newborns.

Fast forward almost 15 years and Smith, 52, is still looking for support geared towards women and is trying to help other positive women in return. Casey House, a hospice in Toronto providing supportive care for people with HIV/AIDS, is where Smith found her support system. Small organizations like this are what help people, including women, deal with HIV/AIDS. Fife House, another organization in Toronto, helps HIV and AIDS patients find affordable housing. Although the office space might be cramped, it’s a cozy environment, says Andrea Donovan, a case coordinator for the Gladstone Women's Program, the only housing development at Fife House specifically for women. It is one of the few services in the city offering female-focused help. “There’s still a stigma attached to HIV and AIDS,” she says. “Gladstone is the only program of its kind in North America, and it’s sad that there aren’t more organizations supporting women’s services.”

Although there may be great work being done by organizations across Canada, the number of women with HIV and AIDS is still increasing. “We have one of the worst situations imaginable right now - soaring infection rates in a new generation of women in Canada,” says Louise Binder, chair of the Canadian Treatment Action Council and vice-chair of Voices of Positive Women. “HIV is a disease of those on the margins of society. It’s a disease for those that society stigmatizes and discriminates against women, gay men, aboriginal people, sex trade workers, illicit drug users, black people, poor people.” Binder, 56, a petite woman who talks with conviction, was diagnosed with HIV in 1993. She knows firsthand the stigma attached to the disease and the backseat it takes to other medical issues and to HIV positive men.

The common link made between HIV and men is part of the reason Smith was so shocked when diagnosed. Others feel it is something that happens just in Africa or the Caribbean, but it is happening right here. With both HIV and AIDS, women deal with situations unique to their gender. They often have to think about children and pregnancy as well as what men have to deal with in terms of job security, insurance and housing. With the number of positive women increasing, the need to improve services is becoming more important. According to the most recent statistics, as of 2002, 7,700 women in Canada tested positive. This accounts for 27.8 per cent of all positive HIV test reports in 2002, up from 12.3 per cent of cases reported between 1985 and 2002. Even with the increase in numbers, though, more women are living with AIDS than dying from it. To ensure more women survive, there is a need for more women-focused programming both in Toronto and Canada. Even if Toronto is one of the most resource-rich communities for positive people with services such as the AIDS Committee of Toronto and the Toronto People with AIDS Foundation, there is a need for more programming, government funding and education focused on women, the leading growing demographic of new HIV/AIDS cases in Canada, before it’s too late.

First we must understand what HIV is. The Human Immunodeficiency Virus attacks the immune system, making someone who is HIV positive more susceptible to infections, viruses and bacteria that most people aren’t vulnerable to. This is where the risk comes in. Once you have contracted a certain sickness considered to be an AIDS-defining illness, such as Kaposi's sarcoma, a type of cancer, you are said to have full blown Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome. Someone who is HIV positive may never develop AIDS, though, if the strain or strains of HIV are kept under control. Transmission of the virus occurs through the exchange of bodily fluids including semen, pre-cum, vaginal fluids, blood and breast milk. Once HIV has been contracted, you may become re-infected with other strains. This means even if you and your partner are HIV positive, it is still important to practise safe sex otherwise you could become even more sick.

Women are more susceptible to the virus than men for biological and social reasons. Biologically, the vagina has a larger area than the penis for the virus to infect. Socially, it is harder for women to negotiate safer sex with their partners. This is where the need for more education in HIV/AIDS awareness is needed and, in turn, more funding for women’s programming.

According to Statistics Canada, women accounted for 25 per cent of positive HIV tests in Toronto in 2002. There’s no one reason why more women are testing positive. It could simply be that more women are getting tested than in years past, especially with the opening of hassle free clinics. Women could have had the disease for a log period of time and not have known since they hadn’t been tested. Nevertheless, the numbers are on the rise and more focus needs to be put on prevention so that women never have to face the disease in the first place. If they do test positive, more programming needs to be made available to help women deal with issues unique to them. This is the sentiment heard from Smith as well as AIDS and HIV organizations around Toronto.

“Women’s health has always been a second-class citizen at the best of times,” stressed Binder in a speech she made on women and AIDS at the 10th Women’s Health Matters Forum and Expo held in Toronto this past January. “If we don’t all stick together and employ some very aggressive tactics, we will be left moving deck chairs around on the Titanic.” Sunken ship metaphors aside, women are usually the primary caregivers in a household and often forget their health matters, a point Donna Braybrook and Kristy Buck, from the AIDS Committee of Toronto, also make.

Braybrook, director of support services for ACT, says although their organization’s mandate is to help all people with AIDS and HIV, they do have women-specific programming such as employment help and socials. They realize women living with HIV are often caregivers so they make childcare a priority during these times. “There are all kinds of possible scenarios for women living with HIV that makes her needs somewhat more complicated,” says Braybrook. “And you can’t minimize the value and the benefit from peer support, from other people connecting to other people and building support networks amongst themselves.” Smith is thankful her children were grown when she tested positive. It means one less worry for her.

On top of mother-friendly support programs, it is hard for positive women to find housing, which is why Fife House exists. “When a woman moves into their own place you can see them getting healthier right away,” says Donovan. One organization can only do so much, though, and there is always a waiting list, varying in length, for the rent-geared-to-income housing the agency provides.

Insurance may also be hard to come by for both men and women when the company asks about their medical backgrounds. Job searching can be difficult too, especially for women who have to take care of their children on top of working out their medication regimes and making sure they’re healthy enough to work in the first place.

Programming also needs to be specifically geared towards pregnant women. Education for positive, pregnant women is the number one way of keeping numbers down. Although the chances of mother-to-baby transmission in Canada are less than two per cent, down from 25 per cent a few years ago, this is a result of education and the use of HIV therapy drugs during pregnancy. Almost all AIDS and HIV patients are on a cocktail of pills. At one time, Smith was taking 89 pills a day. She’s down to 20. Medication costs can be more than $1,000 a month, so it helps that there are programs in Ontario such as the Trillium Foundation, which help subsidize drug plans for a premium. Positive women can also get free formula in Toronto through Teresa Group, so there is no risk of transmitting the virus through breast feeding.

Programs that educate women on prevention not only of transmitting HIV from mother to child but of ever contracting the virus, are what young women need. “Education is the key to preventing AIDS,” says Smith. The increase in positive women in Canada is currently highest among 15 to 29 year olds. Prevention programs in schools educate women on how to negotiate safer sex with their partners, one of the reasons why women may be contracting HIV more, according to Buck, a case manager for ACT. “It’s not always as simple as using a condom or not using a condom but talking about the dynamics within the relationship.” Women who are in abusive relationships find it hard to negotiate anything, never mind safer sex, she points out. Having targeted education programs where women are with other women to talk about negotiating with their partner is one of the only ways girls and women will feel comfortable talking about the subject.

According to the Toronto District School Board, it is doing all it can to ensure there is programming in public schools. Health education for HIV and AIDS starts in grade 7 and continues through high school. It is up to principals to make sure health teachers are covering the material the school board has mandated for them, says Elefteria Velentzas of the TDSB. However, some people are skeptical about what young people are being taught. “There is a concern that there is a relaxed attitude towards HIV,” says Braybrook. “I think because it’s been around for a while now, people are feeling like it has become a manageable disease and that you’re not going to die from it the way you did 15 or 10 years ago.” This is obviously not the case. Although people are living longer, people are still dying from the viruses that occur because of HIV and AIDS. These facts are particularly alarming when you consider that AIDS and HIV are preventable diseases. Education is one way to help lower the number of casualties.

Agencies need a way to target education, though, and a place to do it in. The small space Fife House occupies is not uncommon for AIDS and HIV organizations. Voices of Positive Women, the only provincial organization focused solely on women, is also just a small room located off the side of an apartment building. These organizations are small for a reason - most of their funding goes into the programs they offer, not their facilities. Size doesn’t matter to these organizations that rely on volunteers. As long as the space is welcoming, that’s what’s important. All of these organizations run through a combination of private donors, fundraising and government funding.

At ACT, they don’t currently have the funding for the women and HIV prevention position.
“We would absolutely be able to do more with more funding. I think we’re really good with operating and delivering programs on a shoestring but we would be able to provide more meaningful services that are more integrated with the healthcare system,” says Braybrook. They receive funding from all three levels of government but 60 per cent of it comes from private corporate sponsors, donations and fundraising. Voices, Fife House and Casey House also receive government funding but it’s not enough to survive. Without funding from private donors and fundraising events, these organizations would not have their existing programs.

It’s easy to say here’s the solution to decrease women’s HIV infection rates – more prevention programming. And it’s easy to say there needs to be more women-focused organizations to help positive women. It’s another thing to actually do something about it. “If one group of women is not safe, then none of us is safe. It’s not one disease versus another but rather women’s health that we have to protect and enhance together,” says Binder. No one person can do this alone, women need to come together to find a solution and support each other.

Just like Smith was trying to find support back in 1991, she lends support to other women now, specifically those in her native community. “I see my survival as a gift from Creator, which is why I do the work I do now,” says Smith. Her friend, who she began her small support group with in New York, has since passed away. Smith will forever remember her friend and others she has lost, and in doing so, will do her best to mentor those who need it. “No one asks for this disease,” she says. “So no one should have to go through it alone.”

*name changed

simple things

2007-05-24T00:49:00.000-04:00

i heart my handheld mixer

it was the first appliance i actually purchased on my own about a year and a half ago - my previous appliances (toaster, microwave, kettle, etc.) were either purchased for me, hand me downs or something of the like... but not this sunbeam mixmaster hand mixer model 2487-33... no siree, this baby's all mine

today it helped me bake two delicious desserts - no questions asked

one recipe - yummy chocolate layered brownies, can be found here ... the other, well that one will remain in the vault for a little while longer - a childhood favourite from when i visited the combaluzier's, 'dirt' is so good, it hurts

it's the simple things that make me smile today - like the sunbeam 2487-33

*post dedicated to my favourite Constant Baker

revelations, resurrections and a little self indulgence

2007-05-18T22:26:00.000-04:00

today i truly took new steps
call it the path to self-realization or whatever you wish, but...

"getting back to me," words spoken with precision by others, have taken on a personal meaning

this evening i started very simply, with a little self indulgence:

i purchased my feel good movie of the year - 'the holiday' for those who are interested... i've watched it three times in the last three months, which might not sound like a lot but for a girl who doesn't usually get much replay value out of movies - watch'em, talk about'em and for the most part leave'em - it's a big deal
i also picked up the latest issue of new york magazine because really, why not?
while in indigo i also purchased a trashy chic-lit novel, again, why not? don't get me wrong, i love reading 'real' literature - books i can really sink my teeth into but i've got to admit that i also really love a good puff piece every once in awhile
took the long way home and also picked up my favourite beverage from starbucks - non-fat vanilla creme, no whipped cream - it's delicious... you know the feeling you get lying in a warm bath? i liken the hot drink to what this feeling would taste like if you could drink it... strange but true

... and so after all of my self indulgent behaviour, i sit here - soft music in the background, comfy clothes draped over me and reflective thoughts passing through my mind

simplicity...
thank goodness...

thank
u

good things...

2007-05-15T23:07:00.000-04:00

... when you're riding on the subway between broadview and castle frank and the song that begins playing on your ipod is india.arie's "headed in the right direction"

... walking in the rain and not caring that you are soaked all the way through and look like a drowned rat to all those on the subway

... second interviews - at least you know you're doing something right

... winning your rec. league basketball game - three baskets should make me the mvp... HA!

... getting the new marie claire in the mail

... walking home from basketball and literally singing down the street to your feel good song of the day not caring who might hear you - hard to believe but true story

...all these things add up to one thing... it's been a good day

small world

2007-05-01T00:16:00.000-04:00

currently listening to...

holly brook "all will be forgotten"

----

so i'm finished... now what?

i feel like there should be some monumental, earth shattering... "thing"

i don't know, call it a celebration, call it mourning - 20 years of schooling is complete and i now have two degrees under my belt... phew!

so many lessons learned - academically, emotionally, mentally... you get the picture

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't terrified at this very moment

the last six months have been overwhelming - academically, emotionally, mentally... see a pattern here?

i feel as though i'm looking for answers to impossible questions...

do you ever feel like the world is this huge thing that's going to swallow you up whole?

one day i think i have it figured out and the next, everything is a topsy turvy mess and i don't know which way is up

can only put trust and faith in what lies ahead and know that things do have a way of working themselves out for the best...

i just wish the stars wouldn't take so long to align and that i could at least see a small light at the end of the tunnel that would show me there's life out there... some semblance of what the future might hold

too deep?

perhaps... but the world is a vast place, until you turn around and see hundreds of faces with the same exasperated "what am i doing here?" look... it's then that you realize...

we're all in the same boat

taste of spring

2007-04-07T15:31:00.000-04:00

a couple of weeks ago spring poked it's pretty little head out...

i wish it would come back...

the space between

2007-03-29T22:39:00.000-04:00

currently listening to...

joss stone - "music"

----

it's that feeling you get when you think about nothing except that very moment you're residing in
living in...
breathing in...
contemplating
existentialism
thinking meaningful thoughts of existence
permutations of life
and all it has to offer

it's the space between knowing what lies ahead...
and not having a single clue

between a moment of inspiration...
and hesitation

between interchanges...
stuck in perpetual motion

the space between...
a moment of reflection
positive stimulation

wandering
with no sense of direction
smiling on the inside... knowing everythings gonna be all right
because you're just in...
the space between

peaks and valleys

2007-03-22T22:25:00.000-04:00

lately my favourite time of day is the 15 second intermission from life i get each weekday between castle frank and broadview

once during my morning commute and once on my way home

15 seconds where everything is going my way

15 seconds where all i see and feel is the vastness of the city that surrounds me

15 seconds of being open to all possibilities...

and then...

it's all but gone

but
at least
i had
those 15 seconds

rainy days and melodies

2007-03-21T19:48:00.000-04:00

currently listening to...

groove theory - "hello it's me"

-----

after running errands today i walked home in the rain... i don't know what it is about walking amongst a light rain fall but it does something to my insides

a little nostalgic about simpler times but feeling good about my state of mind and the path i'm on

less than three weeks until the real world is upon me and i'm a mix of emotions... excited, nervous, tired, worried, curious - the list goes on

i can't help but think of the overused cliche - "the future is now"

i feel like things are at my fingertips and within my grasp, i just need to stretch a little further to make the grab

trying to take things one step at a time and see where it leads - live for the moment and don't take anything for granted - a new motto perhaps?

time will tell

something, better than nothing

2007-03-04T17:54:00.000-05:00

so it's been forever and a day since i've posted on here... there's been a ton of stuff going on but no excuses, here are some thoughts to tie you over until bigger and better posts are upon us...

took a look around and found...
nothing ventured, nothing gained

feelings of uneasiness, tension and uncertainty encompass me...
pushing through
encountering moments of doubt but more importantly, moments of hope and encouragement

who knows what tomorrow'll bring
one day at a time... i get by

golden

2007-01-17T18:56:00.000-05:00

"Silence is golden," he said.

She leaned in, softened her eyes and laid her lips next to his ear.

"Only with you," she whispered. "Only with you."

hello, come in

2007-01-07T22:10:00.000-05:00

A writer, a friend, a hard worker, a daughter, a journalist, a sister, a dreamer, a lover, a researcher, a woman, a creator, a reader, an aunt, a fighter... I am all of these things and more.

Hopefully through this blog you will see some of these qualities shine through as I post things such as past stories I have written during my time as a student journalist, links to other work, some creative writing, photographs and who knows what else.

Word for word, this is my blog. Welcome.